You look good

WARNING: rambling and venting both occur in this post

People keep telling me that I look good. I'm glad because I feel like crap and at least I know I still look good. Also I can control the way I look, unlike how I feel. So I try to at least look good. On the other hand, because I'm not ovbiously broken or sick looking and not bed ridden I think people don't understand that I am sick and I don't feel good.

Lyme is not like the flu, you can walk around all day and do things and no one would even know if you didn't tell them. However, I feel like I've had the flu for a year or more. I'm tired all the time and I sleep a lot. Sleeping doesn't even seem to help. And, if I'm really tired then I get insomnia and don't fall asleep until 1am or later. I have woken up with a headache every day for 3 days in a row. My teeth ach for no reason. I feel like there is coton or spider webs in my brain. Everything is foggy and unclear. I can't process new information very quickly. Sometimes reading is hard because when my brain is coudy my vision often also gets blury. I can't remember things. I mean I really cant remember. I often ask several times a day what day it is. Sometimes the only reason I know is because I have 3 dialy pill reminders that are labeled with the days of the week. I sometimes can't remember what I did the previous day or why I walked into a room. I walk around the house in circles trying to get one thing done but everytime I go into a new room I forget why it was I went in there in the first place. I'm sorry if I have forgotten your birthday, anniversary, party, child's birthday, special event, what we talked about last, why I called, or what I was trying to say. It was not on purpose or out of neglect, just that I simply can't remeber.

One of the things I have a hard time remembering is how to get places. I can imagine in my mind where I am and where I want to go, but the path in between is fuzzy. It's hard to give directions to my house and when I stop to think about it for I while I can feel the other person thinking, don't you know how to get to your own house? I get the same thing when I can't remember my phone number or....... (forgot already).

This is part of the reason I don't drive anymore. I end up somewhere other then where I wanted to go. I can't decide when I come to an intersection which way I need to go and next thing I know I'm not where I thought I was going. I'm also having a hard time judging the speed and distance of other cars. I'm now that old lady that waits until the road is completly clear in both directions before I creep into the road. I get vey anxious about even the thought of driving and my heart starts beating faster. Driving also hurts my arms. It used to be just my left arm after longer trips, but now it's both arms and sometimes my hands cramp up or go numb. My knees and hips also get achy and crampy when I sit in the car for a while. It has even bcome uncomfortable for me to go on longer rides with Emiliano driving. I'm always asking to pull over so I can get out and stretch or go to the bathroom or get something else to eat. Please understand that if I can't attend your event it is probably because I either don't feel good or can't get there. If you haven't seen me in a while those are likely the two reasons why. Please understand that I still want to be friends with everyone, I still want to hang out and do things and go places. I just can't do all the things I used to, I usually need a ride, and I have to go slower then normal. But I'm still interested so please don't stop asking or inviting me. I really appreciate it.

My arms hurt so much and are so weak it hurts me to hold babies, or groceries (can't go grocery shopping alone), or a few books, or hangers with clothing, or a pan of water. So please forgive me if it seems like I'm not helping out or chipping in, or if I don't want to hold your kid. I would love to be doing all those things and more, but it simply is not comfortable for me.

I'm sorry to vent like this, but I have been feling like crap for a few days now and I feel like very few people understand me and what I'm going through. Oh yeah, I'm not depressed. I am actually really happy inside, but it's hard to express it the way I used to because that takes a lot of energy. But, please believe me when I tell you I'm happy and not depressed. Bummed out sometimes for sure, but it always passes and the giggles return. I am a bit chemically unballanced because the Lyme bacteria release a toxins into your body when they die and that has efects on my mood and processing and such. But I think anyone who has been sick for 3 years would have a few imballances every now and then.

Thank you to everyone who has called, asked how am am, offered to help, actually helped, donated time, items, money, bought jewelry, given love and support. I can't believe all the wonderful things people are doing for me. I really appreciate it a lot. I feel like this disease has brogught me closer to some people and that part about it I really like. Please continue to call, email, stop by, help out, check in, etc. I'm going to need it even more when Emiliano goes back to school. Please also ask him how he is doing as well. He spends so much of his free time taking care of me and I know it isn't easy for him all the time. I'm so lucky to have him and wonderful friends around to support me.

Thanks for listening.